Fashion Dos & Don'ts: Celebrity Edition

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I have every intention of kicking it in the motherf**ing throat. As it turns out, vodka and cigarettes do not quite make a hearty dinner, as I thought last night. What the dinner party I went to across town lacked in food, it made up for in guests and party favors. Good fun, but I’m paying the price now.

On my stumble home (how did I get home anyway?) I had an idea: Write the definitive fashion blog on what and what not to wear.

What qualifies me to craft such a journal? The Internetz! What qualifies anyone to cast judgment on what people wear? So here’s the first installment of Dos & Don'ts:

Don't:

Noooooo!!! Where is Paula's stylist when she needs her. This dress looks like someone washed a 100% cotton flag of Finland with a red shirt and some gasoline. Avert your eyes.

Do:

So when you go to a party at a bar/restaurant, you don't have to wear a slinky dress with strappy sandals. Flip the script with a sheer top and some $500 jeans. Hot! However, if I were her, I'd wear that Miss America sash everywhere. It's the only accessory that goes with everything. [Tara "Miss America" Connor at Tao Nightclub in Vegas]

Don't:
Betsey Johnson is not always right, ladies. This dress would look great on a nine year old. Fifty bucks says her shoes have little bows on them, too. [Missi Pyle at the Stop-Loss Premiere]

Bonus Don't:

"Hi, I'm Paula Abdul! I'm part Brooklynite, part Space Creature! Wanna sit next to me?"