Five Worst Fashion Trends Today

2008-03-27T16:13:00.001-07:00

T-Shirts with catchy slogans! Guys, no one cares if you "Got Morning Wood" and, girls, yes, we are starring at your fake, lifeless boobs. When you're so socially frustrated and "misunderstood" get thee down to Hot Topic and find the shirt that best expresses how you feel, ironically. Then run as fast as you can into a closed door.

Party glasses! Not to be confused with the funny, over-sized novelty glasses of the same name, these over-priced ocular accessories are quite possibly the most retarded "fashion" item ever. They're sunglasses. But they're clear. Get it? They say, "my face needs something else so you won't notice how terrible it looks." Nice.
Ugg Boots! The best is when you see these busted up sorority girls on Melrose walking around with their denim mini skirts on and Ugg Boots in 80 degree weather! Makes me want to slap the trucker hats off their heads. Unless you're having an apres-ski cocktail in the Alps with Robert Redford AND THEY'RE NOT F-ING PINK, you should never, ever wear these things.

Trucker hats! If you're really committed to the white trash look, have a couple illegitimate kids with an abusive, alcoholic boyfriend (or brother!), move into a double-wide in rural Ohio and develop a meth addiction. Otherwise, just stop with the stupid mesh-backs. I can just imagine this chick getting ready to go to some trendy club in her wife-beater and silly hat. She looked in the mirror and said, "Showtime!" I hate you.
Baggy pants! In the housing projects, back in the day, clothing was passed down from sibling to sibling. So if you were walking around with some baggy pants, it didn't take a crack scientist to figure out that you had an older, much bigger brother and you shouldn't be F-ed with. But now-a-days, people just pull their pants half way down their asses and they don't know why. Guess what? You look STOOOOPID!

Fashion Dos & Don'ts: Celebrity Edition

2008-03-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I have every intention of kicking it in the motherf**ing throat. As it turns out, vodka and cigarettes do not quite make a hearty dinner, as I thought last night. What the dinner party I went to across town lacked in food, it made up for in guests and party favors. Good fun, but I’m paying the price now.

On my stumble home (how did I get home anyway?) I had an idea: Write the definitive fashion blog on what and what not to wear.

What qualifies me to craft such a journal? The Internetz! What qualifies anyone to cast judgment on what people wear? So here’s the first installment of Dos & Don'ts:

Don't:

Noooooo!!! Where is Paula's stylist when she needs her. This dress looks like someone washed a 100% cotton flag of Finland with a red shirt and some gasoline. Avert your eyes.

Do:

So when you go to a party at a bar/restaurant, you don't have to wear a slinky dress with strappy sandals. Flip the script with a sheer top and some $500 jeans. Hot! However, if I were her, I'd wear that Miss America sash everywhere. It's the only accessory that goes with everything. [Tara "Miss America" Connor at Tao Nightclub in Vegas]

Don't:
Betsey Johnson is not always right, ladies. This dress would look great on a nine year old. Fifty bucks says her shoes have little bows on them, too. [Missi Pyle at the Stop-Loss Premiere]

Bonus Don't:

"Hi, I'm Paula Abdul! I'm part Brooklynite, part Space Creature! Wanna sit next to me?"